Cheat Sheet for Obama SOTU Dramatic Reading

The man behind the glass speaks to mere mortals...

Tonight the president will  dramatically and haltingly read scrolling text from glass panes to us in his annual state of the union reading.

What exciting things will the paned glass tell Mr. Obama to share with us?  Here's a cheat sheet of things you are sure to hear tonight.  Disclaimer:  some of these are re-treads from a previous post.  Mr. Obama's idiosyncratic speech-giving is nothing if not consistent.  Expect Mr. Obama's tennis match between the glass panes to include the following pearls of wisdom tossed to the "lazy" and "soft" serfs of this downright mean country:

1. “Let me be clear.” This one is a classic Obama move in which he informs us of his forthcoming rhetorical clarity before launching into a cliche-filled romp that says nothing and everything at the same time.

2. “Few would have foreseen...” The President loves this line, and uses it often to remind us what a monumental historical figure he is. As in his speech to Germany for the anniversary of the Berlin Wall’s collapse. That momentous moment was but a side note to the fact that “few would have foreseen a black man would be president.”  Nothing is larger than his ego.

3. “Unprecedented...” Everything this man does is unprecedented and he likes to tell us that repeatedly. One imagines George Washington reminding his constituents on a daily basis how “unprecedented” his presidency was and how “few would have foreseen” his personal glory. Obama’s humility is so awe-inspiring.

4. Expect the "George W Bushing" of the entire GOP.  Everything will be their fault.  Nevermind that the Democratic party still runs the senate or that he has failed to submit a budget or actually tackle anything of substance.  Ignore the fact that he's been the most rabid proponent of socialism this side of Chairman Mao.  It is all the fault of the mean and greedy rich GOP house.  He'll start laying the groundwork for his billion dollar "scorched earth" campaign strategy.  With a disastrous record only Jimmy Carter could envy, expect Barry to lay it on thick about how evil and corrupt the GOP is.  Also, expect a lot of talk about his intentions and feelings.  That's liberal-speak for "I've failed miserably and have no actual accomplishments, but man, I mean well."

5.  "Fairness"  Expect the great socialist enthusiast to proclaim the virtues of fairness over and over again.  Fairness and equality.  Translation:  Spreading the poverty around.  Mr. Obama is not a fan of capitalism or success.  Expect demonization of anyone above the poverty line with a demand to participate in "shared sacrifice."  This of course from the man who has played some 90 rounds of golf and enjoyed endless vacations to the tune of millions of taxpayer dollars.  Oh, and also that over-the-top Mad Hatter tea party.  And the Kobe beef imports.

6. “Uh Uh Uh Ah Ah Ah Uh.” What’s an Obama speech without a massive dose of brilliant stuttering.

7.  "Americans are soft and lazy."  Okay, he won't say it that bluntly, but look for the self-aggrandizing community organizer-in-chief to passively-aggressively blame us for his failures and lack of job creation.  He'll attempt to portray the anemic job growth numbers as progress.  He'll attempt to tell us that the reason he hasn't been able to do more is because of our own sloth and greed instead of his own bizarre hybrid job-creating approach of  radical failed socialist ideology and total incompetence.

8.  Expect nothing regarding terrorism unless it is directed at the tea party.  He'll grandstand about bringing the troops home from Iraq and pretend that his foreign policy is working because he's so popular personally among the radicals enjoying their own Jihadist Mardi Gras in the Middle East's "Arab Spring" that so tickles his fancy.  He'll attempt to portray sickly elderly dictators being replaced by virile crazed blood-thirsty Jihadists currently making strategic alliances with China, Cuba and Venezuela as a win.

9.  "America is exceptional like Greece is exceptional."  Expect him to downplay America's role in the world and diminish our hopes and dreams.  He'll tell us to settle for less and accept that we are just ordinary.  As he seeks to make us more like the failed bankrupt nations of Europe, he'll try to make us feel like it's the best we can hope for.

10.  But the most important topic and key words in the speech, however will by far be those about himself. The old narcissistic “Me, myself and I” routine. He loves himself and he doesn't care who knows it.  Expect a lot of "I" instead of team.  He's a one-man show and he doesn't like to share the spotlight.

So there it is, the topics you can expect our glorious leader to cover. You are now prepared to watch the best public reader, er, speaker in the world read you to sleep while gushing over himself and blaming his problems on the nefarious George Bush. Prepare to be inspired and/or passive-aggressively insulted.