In honor of the second most famous dramatic reading of the Teleprompter (complete with vacant stare and rapid back and forth head snapping and ogling of the glass panes on either side of him) that President Obama will give this week, this column will serve as your cheat sheet for everything you will need to know about what Barack Hussein Obama will say tonight. (His most famous dramatic reading of the hallowed TelePrompters being of course when the “leader of the free world” found a classroom full of 6th graders so intimidating that he had to cart in his TelePrompters to their classroom in order to “read” er, speak to them complete with the aforementioned rapid back and forth snapping of the head. (At least when George Bush read to school kids it was because he was reading a book!)
So, before tonight’s tennis match between the two glass panes full of scrolling text is done, expect to hear the following pearls of wisdom being tossed you to mere swine:
1. “Let me be clear.” This one is a classic Obama move in which he informs us of his forthcoming rhetorical clarity before launching into a cliche-filled romp that says nothing and everything at the same time.
2. “Yes we can. Change we can believe in.” Standard boilerplate for the chosen one.
3. “Few would have foreseen...” The President loves this line, and uses it often to remind us what a monumental historical figure he is. As in his speech to Germany for the anniversary of the Berlin Wall’s collapse. That momentous event was but a side note to the fact that “few would have foreseen a black man would be president.”
4. “Unprecedented...” Everything this man does is unprecedented and he likes to tell us that repeatedly. One imagines George Washington reminding his constituents on a daily basis how “unprecedented” his presidency was and how “few would have foreseen” his personal glory. Obama’s humility is so awe-inspiring.
5. “It’s George Bush’s fault.” “George Bush did that, not me.” “George Bush had 8 years to mess it up, I have only had 1 to clean it up.” “I didn’t make this mess, I inherited it.” “I inherited the worst economy in history.” “The situation I inherited was worse that I imagined (despite proclaiming it as the next depression during the campaign.)” Expect everything from the economy to the war on terror, to national security, to immigration, to education policy, to the environment, to the cold weather that the nation has been having, to the loss of the 2016 Olympics bid, to Scott Brown’s election and the tea parties, to the record deficits of the Obama administration, to healthcare to be solely George Bush’s fault.
6. “The public doesn’t understand the healthcare plan.” His spin on healthcare will be that we are too stupid to know what’s good for us. Only a community organizing, Mao-loving, terrorist sympathizer and socialist is smart enough to illuminate that for us.
7. “Uh Uh Uh Ah Ah Ah Uh.” What’s an Obama speech without a massive dose of brilliant stuttering.
8. “Transparency...” Expect him to pretend that he cares about transparency, even though his first year has been filled with back room deals, no CSPAN hearings as promised on the campaign trail repeatedly, an administration full of lobbyists (despite another campaign promise to the contrary) and outright lying about just about everything.
9. “The elections in 2009 had nothing to do with me.” Scott Brown in Massachusetts (see also socialist stronghold) Chris Christie in New Jersey (or as those of us who live there refer to it “The People’s Republic of NJ”) and Bob McDonnell in Virginia (an Obama state from 2008) were all elected because people were angry with George Bush. It only makes sense that primarily blue states would vote for a Republican when angry with a former Republican president.
10. “We’re keeping score brother.” Okay, so he probably won’t say this threat that was reportedly directed at members of his own party who were daring to go against him on healthcare, and he probably also won’t brag that the difference between 1994 and 2010 was that the Democrats have him either, but it’s fun to bring up.
11. “Fiscal responsibility.” Expect him to talk about fiscal responsibility despite spending more money than all previous 43 presidents before him, and raising the national debt to record levels. Expect the man who appointed a tax cheat to run the IRS to maintain a straight face when he says this.
12. “There is no war on terror...there is a war on terror...we are sending more troops to Afghanistan...we are retreating from Afghanistan.” Expect him to have both sides now regarding terrorism and national defense.
But the most important topic and key words in the speech, however will by far be those about himself. The old narcissistic “Me, myself and I” routine. The man who once referred to himself 132 times in one speech, he who bungled the 2016 Olympics bid by speaking almost exclusively about his personal life story instead of America, who while apologizing for America around the world has yet to deliver an address abroad that doesn’t primarily focus on himself, and who delivered a key education address where he primarily spoke about himself and mentioned “education” only a handful of times likes to talk about himself. He is his favorite subject. Expect the largest part of his speech to focus on how wonderful he is.
So there it is, the topics you can expect our glorious leader to cover. You are now prepared to watch the best public reader, er, speaker in the world read you to sleep while gushing over himself and blaming his problems on the nefarious George Bush. Prepare to be inspired.